Feeling guilty for being chronically ill...

Feeling guilty for being chronically ill...

But should I be?

So in case you're new to this blog, I'm chronically ill in a few ways. A full list of medical conditions is as follows:
  • Generalised anxiety disorder (GED)
  • Moderate depression
  • Asthma
  • Fibromyalgia
  • Costochondritis

And unfortunately having the mix of all of these means that there are and many things I'm unable to do, not only for myself but for others around me. For example, I would often like to be able to carry things for my mum, but because of my fibromyalgia, I can't carry much with the pain in my back, shoulders and arms.

I'm always being told it's okay that I can't do things like that, but it still doesn't suppress the guilt in me, especially when I see people struggling with something.

As I write this, I'm in the tail end of a fibromyalgia and costochondritis flare-up. 24 hours ago I was in such pain that I just wanted to, unfortunately, end it all. I was also burning up, throwing up, and I couldn't get any sleep.

My mum, my dad, my boyfriend and even my boyfriend's grandmother were helping me as I was going through this very sudden flare-up and the help they were giving me was incredible.

Watching over me, giving me small sips of water to keep me hydrated, driving me around when I needed to get from one place to another to find somewhere, driving me to an emergency doctors appointment, My mum even stayed up with me all night just talking to me to try and distract me from the pain.

I know all these people around me care about me, hate seeing me in such pain, want to take the pain away and would do anything without a second thought.

But the only words that kept coming out of my mouth were "I'm sorry".

I was sorry that they had to see me like this.

I was sorry that I was having the have them help me.

I was just sorry for being ill and to this day I still feel bad having to ask for help when it comes to my conditions/disabilities.

The thing is though, I know that these thoughts of guilty are irrational and a complete waste of energy (something I have very little of in the first place).

Still, it doesn't stop the feeling of guilt entering my brain, and no matter how much reassurance everyone around me gives me, it's still there. 

I need help on a daily bases, whether it's having someone open a door for me that's too heavy, having someone offer me a seat on a crowded train or just having people around me that can jog my memory when fibro fog starts to kick in.

So the question is, should I feel guilty about being chronically ill?

Although I know that the answer is "no", a small part of my brain is still saying "yes" and that I need to just do things no matter the consequences.

And that's something I need to work on. 

It's going to take a lot of work, and if anyone has any tips on getting over this be sure to let me know in the comments, but it's something that needs to be done.

I'm going to have these conditions for life, and I can't spend the rest of my life feeling guilty when my boyfriend is having to help me out of bed in a morning or help me get through a flare-up.

This is my life now, and I need to live it with as little guilt as possible.

Here's to a life with no guilt over chronic illness...

Stay happy, stay healthy, from Abbie x

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The things no one tells you about depression and anxiety

When you feel like you're wearing a mask...

So I've been put on bed rest by my doctor...