Dear Body, why are you working against me?

Dear body, why are you working against me?


Do you ever feel like something or someone is working against you? Like it/they don't want you to do well or succeed in life? And that it/they will do anything to get in your way?

Well, I feel like that right now. And this thing that's getting in my way? My own body.

It started when I was diagnosed as asthmatic which affects me a lot with physical exercise e.g. walking around and extream weather such as very hot and very cold affect my breathing so I have to use my inhaler but I've had it for so long I'm used to it.

Then October 2017 happened and I developed costochondritis which I still have to this day. Most cases sort themselves out in less than a year or at least improved. My case has gotten worse over the past near year and my day-to-day life is affected.

I have to take multiple breaks during the day just to give my body a chance to recover. I have to use so much more energy just to get through the pain of the day meaning I'm tired most of the time no matter how much I rest. I was even told by a doctor it was because I have a large chest and to just "get a better bra" but low and behold £45 later with the best bra I could get at the time, my pain has in fact gotten worse so it's fair to say that there is something else going on.

I'm always in pain no matter what I'm doing and now, now I just get on with it but I have a pain clinic appointment coming up on the 22nd September to have help with managing the pain and to maybe find out what is going on seeing as this case of costochondritis has lasted for such an unusual amount of time and that most cases are in those over 50 years old and I'm only 20, 19 when I first developed it.

And now on the 13th September, just as the pain clinic appointment is coming up, my vision in my left eye went very strange, like a kaleidoscope along with a very bad headache across my entire head and behind my eyes.

I did what many would do a freaked out a little but I asked my mum about it and it turns out she has had the same thing in the past and she was told by an optician that it is an optical migraine which it turns out runs in both my mum and my dad's families.

Then there is the anxiety and depression which are always present in my life and are in a way fighting each other. My anxiety makes me worry that I'm not doing enough but the depression gets rid of all the motivation.

All of these problems make me feel like my body is working against me, like it doesn't want me to be able to do anything, even live a normal day-to-day life. I'm having to take medication for my mental health and my asthma every day, and in the case of asthma even twice a day and I've been having to have doctors appointments and now hospital appointments just to find out why I'm in pain and to help me manage the pain.

Any medication I've had for the pain hasn't worked so I don't take anything now; considering I'm on other medications I don't want to take any more than absolutely necessary so if the hospital has something for me to take that we know will help minimise the pain I will then take it, but only if they are sure or truly believe it will help in some way rather then "take this and we'll just have to hope it does something".

But I'm realising now that this life is just my normal now.

I'll get up in the morning and try to get an idea from my body and mind as to how good of a pain/mental health day we are going to have.

Are we going to have to take things slowly today?

Am I going to be able to get things done first thing a rest in the afternoon?

Or will I rest in the morning ready for something I have to do in the afternoon?

Or is today going to have to be a complete write off where I try to use as little energy as possible so I can be a functioning human being later in the week?

And sometimes it's okay except that the last question is the day you're going to have.

It's just my body's way of telling me I've been too awesome for the past few days and that I need to slow down and stop a little so I can continue to be even more awesome later on 😉

Be happy, be healthy, from Abbie x

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